Read all the stories in this collection. Especially if you’re young.

In this guest post, a young gay guy responds to AGS 2015, focusing his attention on contributor Michael V. Smith's chapter, Silence and Threat.

Guest Post by Reed Karoline
Youth Voices

Silence and Threat by Michael V. Smith was not the story I was expecting to read in Annals of Gay Sexuality 2015. The subtitle, A Contemporary HIV Zeitgeist, gave me the idea that this would be a collection of sad stories by old gay guys who had lived through the AIDS crisis and were going to mourn the loss of friends. After all, I grew up after these times; I’m barely an adult myself, and all I’ve known about those times was that they sucked. A lot. But instead, the stories were much less mourning than they were a collection of individual stories about what it was like to grow up in these times.

But Silence and Threat is, I think, my favourite. Beginning with a story about the author as a kid who’s pushing the boundaries with a friend. Not going to lie, I’ve never played a game with anyone where you just mix-and-match your naked bodies, but it doesn’t seem to have worked out poorly for Smith. He talks about how this early experimenting gave him the confidence, the ability to “be vulnerable, to give in, opening [his] hand and releasing caution”. That gives him a way to connect with his first boyfriend, as well as everyone else he interacts with.

The other thing that made this interesting is honestly the sex. There’s no beating around the bush; Smith fucked some guys – actually, quite a few by his own count – and he doesn’t gloss over it. Stories of his first blow job and his first kiss (not in that order) are followed by the story of a bareback hook-up with a hot, hung cop. He mentions that he went bareback with his ex-boyfriend, and had kept his negative status mostly by being “really good at (and really into) blowjobs”, but let the cop fuck him anyways, and how for years he would jack off thinking about it.

And then, all of a sudden, Smith goes from a couple of random fucks here and there to having fucked, been fucked by, or sucked off somewhere around two thousand guys. I don’t even know how, in the age before Tinder and Grindr; I can’t so much as get a date, but he’s off fucking like a rabbit. Frankly, I’m a bit jealous. But the important part was not the huge number of hook-ups (although seriously, impressive); what I found more interesting was the warning that came after, about how up to three-quarters of those guys tried to do bareback, or some of them succeeded. To me, that’s insane. Again, I’ve grown up in the post-AIDS-crisis world, and every gay guy knows that condoms are vital at this point in time. But then again, they knew then, and still there was so much unprotected sex. And Smith explains the reason for it in a way that honestly is a little nerve-wracking:“They say they don’t want it, but when you get them alone in a quiet spot and someone’s cock is in the crack of someone’s ass, they nearly always forget their best intentions.” In the heat of passion, people forget about safety, they forget about HIV and the risks, they only remember that they want to fuck, and for those who have done bareback before, they remember that they want to fuck in the way that they find hottest. And that’s why it’s a bit scary: everyone knows that condoms aren’t fun; you know it, I know it, everyone knows that it dulls the sensation. And yet, most of us know that they’re necessary. But then again, we also know that exercise is necessary, but we frequently put off going to the gym when we have a Netflix marathon and a pizza in front of us.

The final poignant message of the story is a warning, about thinking that we are less than. Smith says that “All the teaching and shaming and common sense and knowing better of HIV-prevention are no match for my need to be wanted, to use sex as a short-term filler, or fixer, for a gay kid raised to think he was less than,” and I think for a lot of gay guys, both now and then, old and young, can empathize with that. We’re told by family and friends that we’re not as good as our straight counterparts in so many ways, and it’s so easy to shift to casual fucks and sexting as a way to feel better about ourselves. It’s such an easy thing to fall into, especially in the age of the internet, where an anonymous person around the world will copy and paste flirtations to you to get a picture of your ass, or your dick, or even a video.

That got very serious there. It’s true, and it’s the message I got from this story, but it’s not the whole story. Smith writes a great story about his sex life without once making it smutty, instead making it an interesting read about a perspective we rarely see on this time while also providing a warning. It’s entertaining, and definitely sexy to read about, to imagine that sort of sex life. But then he ends it perfectly, bringing it all back and making his last point: everything from the fuck with the police officer to the potentially thousands of other partners he traced back to his feeling of “make-me-feel-worthy”, and these are the kinds of stories that get people thinking.
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Read this story. Read all the stories in this collection. Especially if you’re young. I found perspectives of people who have lived lives that could have been my own, and how to avoid ending up with regrets like many of them. They’ll entertain you with the fun, sexy qualities of the lives of the authors while giving you some perspective on how necessary things like protection and self-worth are to keeping you safe. It never demonizes sex, either (thank God), unlike so many other stories like these. If you don’t want to read it for the message, and just want to read it for the sex, I really can’t blame you. They write it well. But it’s worth your time to get this perspective on people who’ve passed before you, and have a thing or two to teach you about it.

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The object of Reed's attention, AGS 2015 Contributor Michael V. Smith.

"I’ve grown up in the post-AIDS-crisis world, and every gay guy knows that condoms are vital at this point in time. But then again, they knew then, and still there was so much unprotected sex."

​"If you don’t want to read it for the message, and just want to read it for the sex, I really can’t blame you. They write it well."